The Holy Doodle - Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part IV

I would continue to make choices that would not change the outcome for me and the family, instead, I always chose the harder path. In truth, many vile actions were taken under my own roof with my children and I was unaware of them because of my own unhealed vile traumas that were passed down to me from my own mother (her own unhealed traumas) + family. Stacey suffered from bullying, and was teased for the clothes she wore that someone recognized from a second-hand store or garage sales that I would enjoy bargaining at; I was completely unaware of what she felt.

I chose not to feel (chose different personas to make me feel safe and protected), not ever showing my true emotion + feelings; I did not see or was not willing to see what was in front of me. The “Ice Queen” would instead reply, “You’re all spoiled little brats”, “I’m a single parent” and “Money does not grow on trees”; I was very mean and controlling, always about the rigid me. I told the children they had nicer clothes than I had growing up, they had their own bedroom and a nice roof over their heads. I never ever gave weight or asked how my children felt; no emotions, or feelings were not my thing.

In my own family incest, molesting and smothering continued through generations. Karma continually to trying to bring balance by default traumas were never healed and were passed down to me and my own children. Stacey suffered molestations in her own family and with her family’s friends. Due to my own vile upbringing, I turned away, like a veil in front of me, not willing to see; I was too traumatized from my own unhealed violations; I avoided any emotions and had numbed myself out. I did not realize many of my actions were not what I wanted. I wanted love, and understanding, but looked for love with men that were not aligned for me and relationships that lasted too long + I knew were not good for me, but I hung on, the need to be needed and not alone.

Continued

Part 3 I’m 62 and Learning Self Worth

The first serious relationship I had was with my husband, but we were never aligned. I was conditioned by society to not want to be an old maid (I was 20), unmarried, and alone. Our relationship should have lasted a few dates, then we should have ended. My husband did not want children, using the excuse of "waiting for me to grow up" for his lack of desire; I became impatient + resentful (in reality, it was another opportunity for divorce before children were involved). After we got married, I got pregnant 6 years after saying I would have children. Our relationship needed to grow up; both of us were controlling, manipulative and unfaithful to one another. I never felt supported and felt on my own during my pregnancy. This is an unhealthy environment I brought my children into. During my first pregnancy, I suffered from postpartum depression which affected my entire family.
10 years after I got divorced, I was given the chance to keep my dream home, but I chose to react and took the wrong path. In an attempt to save money, I turned to assisted living. I convinced myself the children needed me at home rather than going to work. This is an obvious example of the Ice Queen, who is always thinking about herself. As a homemaker, I cooked homemade meals, kept the yard and house clean, took trips, helped the children with their homework, played with their friends, and kept the house clean. In terms of money, I saved (hoarded) most of it, I had a scarcity mentality, and I was unwilling to give more to myself and my children. While I celebrated the main holidays, I convinced myself I did a great job raising my kids. It's obvious now that I would have completely shifted my kids' upbringing if I'd kept the house. The house was backdoor to a school, with a big backyard and main floor laundry. I already had renters downstairs, so I gave that up out of reactive pride.
I never experienced emotion and love from my own mom (who had also been traumatized and violated as a young child and passed that ancestral trauma down to me and my kids)...

Continued