Part 3 I’m 62 and Learning Self Worth
The first serious relationship I had was with my husband, but we were never aligned. I was conditioned by society to not want to be an old maid (I was 20), unmarried, and alone. Our relationship should have lasted a few dates, then we should have ended. My husband did not want children, using the excuse of "waiting for me to grow up" for his lack of desire; I became impatient + resentful (in reality, it was another opportunity for divorce before children were involved). After we got married, I got pregnant 6 years after saying I would have children. Our relationship needed to grow up; both of us were controlling, manipulative and unfaithful to one another. I never felt supported and felt on my own during my pregnancy. This is an unhealthy environment I brought my children into. During my first pregnancy, I suffered from postpartum depression which affected my entire family.
10 years after I got divorced, I was given the chance to keep my dream home, but I chose to react and took the wrong path. In an attempt to save money, I turned to assisted living. I convinced myself the children needed me at home rather than going to work. This is an obvious example of the Ice Queen, who is always thinking about herself. As a homemaker, I cooked homemade meals, kept the yard and house clean, took trips, helped the children with their homework, played with their friends, and kept the house clean. In terms of money, I saved (hoarded) most of it, I had a scarcity mentality, and I was unwilling to give more to myself and my children. While I celebrated the main holidays, I convinced myself I did a great job raising my kids. It's obvious now that I would have completely shifted my kids' upbringing if I'd kept the house. The house was backdoor to a school, with a big backyard and main floor laundry. I already had renters downstairs, so I gave that up out of reactive pride.
I never experienced emotion and love from my own mom (who had also been traumatized and violated as a young child and passed that ancestral trauma down to me and my kids)...
Continued