The Holy Doodle - Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part IV
I would continue to make choices that would not change the outcome for me and the family, instead, I always chose the harder path. In truth, many vile actions were taken under my own roof with my children and I was unaware of them because of my own unhealed vile traumas that were passed down to me from my own mother (her own unhealed traumas) + family. Stacey suffered from bullying, and was teased for the clothes she wore that someone recognized from a second-hand store or garage sales that I would enjoy bargaining at; I was completely unaware of what she felt.
I chose not to feel (chose different personas to make me feel safe and protected), not ever showing my true emotion + feelings; I did not see or was not willing to see what was in front of me. The “Ice Queen” would instead reply, “You’re all spoiled little brats”, “I’m a single parent” and “Money does not grow on trees”; I was very mean and controlling, always about the rigid me. I told the children they had nicer clothes than I had growing up, they had their own bedroom and a nice roof over their heads. I never ever gave weight or asked how my children felt; no emotions, or feelings were not my thing.
In my own family incest, molesting and smothering continued through generations. Karma continually to trying to bring balance by default traumas were never healed and were passed down to me and my own children. Stacey suffered molestations in her own family and with her family’s friends. Due to my own vile upbringing, I turned away, like a veil in front of me, not willing to see; I was too traumatized from my own unhealed violations; I avoided any emotions and had numbed myself out. I did not realize many of my actions were not what I wanted. I wanted love, and understanding, but looked for love with men that were not aligned for me and relationships that lasted too long + I knew were not good for me, but I hung on, the need to be needed and not alone.
Continued