naturalisticmama

Part 2: Learning Self-Worth at 62

The majority of my life was a blur. I couldn't remember huge gaps and didn't know why. I'd lived most of my life superficially. Growing up, I wasn't my true self. When I was a child and a teen, I was subjected to incest/vile acts that blocked my voice, my sight, and my hearing. There were a lot of personas I created; I was a victim, a damsel in distress, an ice queen. I felt like this Ice Queen had protected me and kept me safe. The truth is that for 62 years, this version of me was entitled, arrogant, manipulative, controlling, self-serving, not nice at all. Feelings and emotions weren't there.

My universe revolved around me. I had a facade that kept me from feeling scared, abandoned, violated, belittled, or unworthy. Throughout my life, I had chances to change, but I never took advantage of those chances, so I never grew up and became my true, kind, loving self. In my mind, having my true self hidden by different personas kept me safe and protected.

The societal slave I had been for 62 years wasn't happy. I didn't fit into that world anymore. There was a need for a change.

#selfworth