Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XX
This family dynamic caused difficulties when I decided to return home following the assault. During that period, I had a relationship with my so-called stepfather that benefited him primarily. Constantly made the scapegoat as he cheated and lied to my mother for years. As soon as I returned home, I knew that his affairs would come to light. That was quite evident to me. He was dealing with health issues, alcoholism, and the custody of a son he had recently gained. The two were experiencing very low levels of energy in their relationship. She jumped into the role of "I will cook and clean and raise the children" from her generational programming of using others or controlling other people to distract from her own disconnection from what she truly wanted. Meanwhile, struggling to cope with constant work and school drama. As I left one vile reality, I entered another. Despite the fact that my mother did not want me to come home, she understood and felt as a mother that there was no better alternative. Due to my health condition, I had to do this. In addition, I did not want to leave.
After being assaulted, I couldn't comprehend or process what had just happened to me. I didn't know how to give it the weight it deserved. I was in shock and sincerely wondering how we would recover from that incident. As I felt in my bones that I could not, I began packing his things into the living room by the front door in preparation for collection. During a conversation with a close friend, she shared her experience with abuse in the past. She shared how difficult it can be to escape, and how easily one is dragged back into these types of relationships that tend to get more serious. In the absence of remorse or response from Mike for several days, I received my answer. As a result, I had decided to take a break from the city and give myself a little time to heal. It was aligned with all that I was going through in my life in order to create purpose and a career, which I knew had to begin with me finding myself. A path that has been highly criticized and misunderstood.
There is a larger picture we've been engaged in for years regarding control of our existence as humans. We have created huge imbalances in our understanding of life, love, success, health and wealth. Self-limiting realities are then invoked and attempted to force every human to sell out, to sell their souls, to bind themselves to false ideas that will create false and fake realities, illusions that eventually come to seem real. Take advantage of their biological nature and use and abuse nature, blaming aging for the condition instead of taking responsibility for not caring for their bodies and well-being. Throughout human history, we see this controlling nature readily evident. My current experience includes running a small business, being a holistic practitioner, and being a human rights activist. There is a desire to conceal and suppress true information and limit one's ability to self-sustain their business, household, children, and life through false beliefs about events, illnesses, news stories, stories creating distraction and false illusions that many of us walk right into and surrender their power to.
In gratitude to my 24-year-old self, I sold everything that could not fit in my vehicle and drove nine hours home to search for my real OM. Many things could have been different, had I ditched Mike earlier, had I taken the constant jiggle to become a yoga teacher, nutritionist, stylist or fitness instructor. Instead of pursuing these passions and desires, I ignored them and took the harsher road to discover that these neglected aspects were causing health complications such as leaky gut syndrome, reactive arthritis, rashes/dermatitis, chronic fatigue, severe anxiety, and depression. As a result of my intense amount of fire, I needed an outlet but was held back by my fears and insecurities. My love of gymnastics saved my life as a young girl by giving me the opportunity to prove my abilities and put my drive into something that I loved.
My worth was chipped away over time as the actions of bullying and betrayal from peers and family continued. As a result, I began to adopt the false beliefs they had placed upon me as a result of their insecurity. I held myself back, I was in my way, I grew ill from it, I had the capability to step outside of my comfort zone but did not and therefore took more difficult routes. Welcome to the world of responsibility! We are attempting to reclaim our cellves' all-powerful and mighty qualities!
Continued