Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XIX
As this incident occurred in daylight and I was screaming for blocks, it was no surprise that it was witnessed. The police advised me that the neighbours had called the police. Having no previous experience with such situations, I was terrified out of my mind as I answered the door. The female representative was quite rude and forceful as she made me flush the cannabis my roommate had sitting out on the living room table and jumped to conclusions. The male representative took a different approach as he examined my extremely feminine and stylish apartment and you could see the wheels turning as he examined it. The female officer proceeded to retrieve the paperwork on my behalf to file a report, and the male officer asked me what I wanted to be done. Keeping to my Stacey self, I responded, "This is not my normal, and this has never happened to me before. I just need to figure out what the fuck happened and, quite frankly, call my mother." He informed me that once his partner returned I could simply deny the report and request that they leave, he would set me up for it essentially. When she returned, he gave me a look and asked, "What can we do here, Stacey?" When I asked them nicely to leave, he took my cell phone number and said he would be in the area for the evening if anything happened. He also gave me his telephone number to ensure my safety. I consider him to have been an angel that night.
Following the police visit, we are now in the late evening hours. Micheal's roommate arrived. We can chalk it up to damage control. Because his father was a lawyer and used to bail them out of previous situations, my mind began to connect the dots. After the situation had become out of control, he was frustrated and angry, and what I thought was genuine was actually manipulation intended to prevent me from filing charges. Michael's reactive behaviour and his temper were not uncommon to him. Mike himself stated that holes in apartment walls were a norm to him after one of his tantrums led to a hole in the wall. Throughout our relationship, there were definitely signs that he and his roommate lacked a sense of emotional self-management. This is not to imply that I am flawless in any way. This is a very new relationship that took place after a four-year relationship. I worked closely with myself on my self-worth and self-confidence over the course of about eight months in between. On a human level, there were many instances of lying, cheating, manipulating, as well as demeaning and devaluing. Certainly, shocking behaviour from an individual who I was so certain was honest and kind. While his loose side overtook him, he fed his very insecure self a fabricated reality of partying, heavy drugs, and superficial experiences that did not involve real substance.
My ex-partners were all very insecure and obsessive, reflecting the same qualities as my own father. Which, whether I like it or not, has had a large impact on my genetics. Inherent programming of preexisting cells contributes to the beliefs and programming we adopt. Our bodies contain cellular memory which contains this information. DNA and RNA are molecules that carry genetic information from the beginnings of their own creation. The four fundamental elements are the essence, juice, prana, and energy contained within each atom. Fundamentally, magnetism and electricity, as well as the divine father sky and mother earth, play a key role in influencing and manifesting our very ideas, thoughts, feelings, and actions. Over the weekend, several days passed after the assault, and I received no communication from him. During this period of time, my mother was dealing with high levels of stress, drained by a love-less relationship, self-convincing herself that her actions, choices, and comprehension were of sound mind, yet quite obviously she was losing herself as well. She chose to remain because of societal norms and beliefs, the idea of her age, the generational mentality of men over women, and constantly sacrificing freedom for false comfort. She had very limited exposure to the world beyond the small town and province where she confined her life for decades. Almost immediately following my high school graduation, which my father did not attend I was informed that I would have to live with him. In a way, I felt tossed to my absent father as well as abandoned from the duplex in which my family lived from grade 5 through grade 12.
There was no relationship between my father and I, nor did any parent truly invest any time in discussing my future, my purpose, or what it would be possible for me to accomplish. While my brothers remained in a very limited technological and fantasy-filled world, not creating their own lives but escaping into different forms of virtual distractions, I gained the label of the rebellious child. Being a so-called uncontrollable child, I wanted to take advantage of every opportunity and adventure available to me. Growing up, I always wanted to feel and experience new things. I was an honour roll student up until the 11th grade. At the time, I played multiple instruments and took piano lessons. I was a 10-year competitive gymnast, flyer, tumbler, and dancer for three years of high school cheerleading. At the same time, I coached gymnastics, worked at restaurants, babysat, and maintained a social life. A strong belief existed in my mind that I was not worth investing in. It was quite confusing and created the impression that what I did was not significant.
I watched as my brothers were first guided to trades and careers that were so far removed from what they really wanted to do. I was not controllable and did not take shit from authority or show respect where it was not deserved. It would be impossible for me to perform an action I did not want/need to perform. In my late teens and early twenties, I was culturally ignorant, worldly naive, and if something didn't make sense to my very strong feelings or went against my own learned values, I would usually stand up for myself, in the most irrational manner possible. Regretting what I said or did not say or the way in which I attempted to convey the truth.
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