Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XXI
During these days of social change, societal ideas like "get a real job first, make some money" are heavily highlighted. My parents held strong to these ideas and my brothers adopted them as well. My ex-partners as well went into areas that were so far from who they were. They aimed to please their parents and push for economic gain. It was in this circumstance that I chose to enter the workforce, even though I was the apparent nobody, due to the perceived financial status of my family. Truly, I had no idea who I was or what was even possible for me. I had very little life experience and a country bumpkin mentality. Aside from my love of hairstyling, I also loved dancing, cheerleading, and gymnastics, and I was quite competent in these activities. It was my pleasure to teach and perform, and I was decent at whatever I attempted.
As a child, I was influenced significantly by my mother, who was also my father figure, taking on both feminine and masculine traits and characteristics, as well as mothering and fathering roles. Therefore, such a state of energetic balance is clearly necessary for each individual to achieve their own balance in these electrical and magnetic principles. Computers, office work and secretary duties were also enjoyable, as were managing, organizing, and delegating. Fashion marketing, styling, and blogging are things I also enjoyed and pursued. I was unable to locate a category or box where my interests could be categorized. As a result, I continued to test the waters, which seemed to be frowned upon. I was taught by my mother through her more balanced role modelling that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to, irrespective of my gender. However, she failed to give me a sense of worth and value and beliefs that would allow me to achieve my goals.
There is nothing you cannot do, but you will never be good enough, too." This was the belief resulting from this behaviour. This was confusing, to put it mildly. In my most innocent years, I was a bullied 12-13-year-old teenie bopper and a very vulnerable and traumatized 17-year-old. She was crushed when I realized my trampoline, which was my best friend for years, was gone and that the bed I laid on was empty, and that the door I never locked, had been locked. Even the low-income duplex I had called home for years felt better than the creepy basement of my even shadier women-hating father. Whose sole intention was to demean and diminish my mother's worth to anyone willing to listen including us. In addition to never getting over her, he has never admitted all of the lies and controlling relationships he was using and abusing her and now her children. His evident arrogance and possessiveness have continued to drive a wedge between our core family values.
Having said that, all of these experiences accumulated a lot of layers that led to the false idea that I was worthless. The last year of high school was quite literally hell. With the death of very close individuals and many others before and following. Estevan was as if there were a black hole within, draining and sucking the essence from the sensitive and vibrant souls. It was referred to as Incestevan for a reason as morals and consciousness were not emphasized over financial gain, hearsay gossip, hockey and drunken parties. As a young girl losing children and teenagers of the same age as myself without understanding the real cause of their deaths left mass confusion and trauma in everyone involved. However, not only in this region or part of the world, but also in many other places around the world, hidden nature, the shadow side, the thoughts, feelings, and actions we reject all collect in the void, pulling our light and dark parts into their false fears and illusions.
Who knows which parent is whose? Spoiler alert! There are skeletons in many closets that affect their children's mental, emotional, and even physical health to the point of death when the truth is not disclosed. Your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health will be imbalanced if you don't have the truth of your story and know your history well, have a cosmic connection, and know your ancestry and lineage. All of these imbalances can manifest into various situations, illnesses, and feelings that are an attempt to bring you into awareness.
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