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Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XIV

December 23, 2021

My real emotions would not have let me do any of those things. Having an abundance of feelings has prevented me from going down these superficial paths. In their misery, they sought my company, to give their lifeless cells a host. Sadly, I was always inclined to give them the benefit of doubt and the excuse that we grew up together...the guilt that followed. No matter how you identify, girl, boy, trans, fluid, nonbinary, cisgender, we all experience these imbalances from creation, and the key is to not take it personally, individually, or feel singled out. Although no one likes being called out on their shite, we need to lead by example and inspire one another. The imbalance lies in the underlying magnetic/electric principle energies within us all. Ideas (air), thoughts (fire), feelings (water), and actions (earth) that are stored in the cellular memories are influencing the human mentality and nature so directly. Within the cell, there is a divide between light and darkness, want and need, past and future, void and space. A cell vs. cell manifests in many ways, both internally, for example, angels/devils on shoulders, and externally; jealousy, comparison, competition, racism, cultural appropriation, gender inequality, etc.

History repeats itself until we heal our cells and free them from unhealthy toxic patterns and loops. All that exists is vibration. The key is to get to the root of the issue, apply the appropriate information such as ideas, thoughts, feelings, and actions, so as to transmute the fear and false beliefs that cause the loops.  The first boyfriend I ever dated was the person involved in the violation. It is no secret that my first two relationships were friendships, as I had no passion or desire towards them, just a level of comfort and trust, which led to relationships and not healthy ones. After dating for a few months, he took away my virginity, ended our relationship, turned all of my friends against me, wished I would get cancer, and began pumping out mad lies about my own physical female body and mind to discourage any future suitors. Several years passed like this. He could never let it go. It is a case of a premature, pre-nature, immature boy being smitten by a weird mysterious, naive, over-emotional girl, acting like her friend, then when she likes him back and puts herself at his disposal, he abuses, uses and throws her out to make himself feel and appear better. It's a classic!

When my so-called 'girlfriend' date for the wedding aka best friend I had made in Calgary and I left his house, I felt empty, and I began sobbing...how could I let this happen? Did she, too, let this happen? WHAT happened? My first thought was that I had cheated on my boyfriend. Which is so contrary to my character. One of the greatest blows to my psyche was that the part of me that I worked so HARD to develop was stolen from me by the same asshole who traumatized my younger self years ago. It was like being raped on every level: mentally, emotionally, physically, and now I know spiritually. As a result, they stole my air, my spirit, my idea about mycellves, and I lost my purity in my relationship. The plot and plan to dismantle my relationship, self-worth, and life created in Calgary are pretty obvious now. In spite of this, my supposed best friend displayed the same two-faced ownership attitude. This person also attempted to steal the attention of anyone I engaged in a relationship with, both girl and boy, as well as everything about my character. Slowly, she began to copy and then steal things that she considered to be more 'her.' Separating me from all my friends and creating her own narrative about me. Throughout 10+ years, I had been fooled by her as she tried to sleep with all of my exes, then steal my persona + fiance, attempt to ruin my wedding day, sabotage and steal my personal belongings, business offerings + services, etc all while continuing to act innocent to the very vile actions she had and was still taking. 

It is those I have let the furthest in and repeatedly forgiven and given chances to that have done the most damage. Plan: give the impression that I betrayed Mike, then tell him, make him break up with me, watch my life crumble, and feast on the whole thing like Sunday breakfast. If you want to be very blunt, I would never have cheated with this individual. They constantly fired at me from every angle. Why? It was because I cared. Not because they cared, but because they took advantage of any opportunity to crush me with news of betrayal. The number of examples is disgusting and demoralizing. In all of them, I have taken responsibility for my creations and the harshness of these external versions of myself. Why did I create this? What is this version of me teaching myself? What's the contract, season, theme, and reason for it? Extending beyond the victim mentality by gaining a broader perspective of what happened and honouring the traumatized ego. What a balancing act! The emotions are heightened when zoomed out, which allows the intelligence of what's going on to be better seen. In the course of life, you become more aware of what has happened continuously to be able to respond better. Forgive, but don't forget, one must remember and reflect on their own choices. What was done out of love and what was not.

Using these blogs gave me the opportunity to air out all the ugly, clear it out of my system, reflect on the past and make peace with it. If you feel it, you can heal it. We go through many stages in life, not all of them pretty. The roots of our cells stem from preexisting cells, so we can't cut off limbs from our trees. The past cannot be escaped, but the past can be understood, and the past can be healed, allowing you to begin crafting your own story. I take back my narrative and I sincerely wish that all false realities that led to false fatalities will be realized and released in this lifetime and all others to come.

In Spoonful of Stacey Tags self worth part xiv
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