Girls who pretended to be my friends for years took advantage of any situation to feel superior. The same competitive drive and comparison that fuels the rat race. Trying to get a few looks or comments from whoever I was dating to feel powerful. Only supporting women they can understand, manipulate, or feel better than. Gossiping their knowledge and parents' fake lifestyles/financing their power. As soon as I realized how much competition and comparison was always happening between each other, I was totally stunned. Instead of inspiring aligned actions, they use this as the driving force. It was always a competition and I had no idea I was in the running. The obsession with controlling my life narrative began to become very apparent to me. It was their high, how their insecure selves fed off of another's pain, humiliation, or suffering. As they were too dense, they were not true nature witches, since they had little desire to vibrate high spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Keep to societal norms, stay in sync with status quo, and anyone being unconventional will be quickly swept aside, as per their programming.
The scrutiny that I received day-to-day was relentless - over my body, my abilities, my family. There was a great deal of ignorance and naivety on my part about it all, and I had no idea what depths and levels others would go to. In the past, I have made unhealthy decisions due to low self-confidence, not understanding how intangible health + wellness is connected directly to my relationships, experiences, and state of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health. This is not something we are taught properly in the Western Hemisphere. There is no sugarcoating the ages of 18-24. They were critical years for my health. There were snakes all around me, but I never landed on a ladder to climb out of the void. It was in relationships where I was most myself that my insecure girl clung and hung on. In the end, it hurt the most that these people knew me, saw who I really was, and still turned on and began fabricating lies about me in order to protect their own vile actions. After struggling through the depression and finding new light, I began to find others who echoed my vulnerable self during my early years in Calgary. Choosing my own path following an on-off four year relationship with an individual I settled for due to the overwhelming loss of self and worth present at that time.
This allowed me to step out of the confined reality of my small town and be myself. Having no restrictions, this little country bumpkin was finally free to explore the mountains and cities that surrounded me. As opposed to being tolerated, I felt celebrated. It felt wonderful to breathe and be weird and my little light found many different faucets to tap into. The main ones were fashion, styling, yoga, + pilates. I was also immersed in situations that broadened my awareness. Leaving the generic lifestyles I also felt forced to conform. During my process of constant sewing of the past and what is manifesting in the present a Big Bang occurred that fully cleared the course of this phase in my life. I finally put the pieces together and realized these individuals had me set up to be raped to tell my new boyfriend I had cheated while at home at a friend's wedding. As they’ve invested and spent so much time shaping how others view me, they’re desperate to take control of the narrative. They rely on this false narrative and my need for them to be in my life to keep their fake realities going. They base their entire persona on it since they want to run from the truth; the acts of lying and cheating on their partners, sleeping around in mindlessness, and selling out their purest selves for societal acceptance. Always seeking a scapegoat.