Spoonful Of Self-Awareness Part I
continued from Spoonful Of Self-Worth*
The decision to leave Calgary and the entire reality I created was not an easy one. It was liberating to be nine hours away from the small-town and province that continued to limit and control my own idea of myself and led it to become quite distorted. I wasn’t mad at anyone. I felt lost, scared, hurt, and desperate for a sense of normalcy as what I had lived was quite the opposite of what I was expecting.
On returning home, in addition to having to deal with the consequences of the events, my mind began to wander as it frequently did, surfacing past memories and experiences I desperately tried to overcome and convince myself that they were not real. At that time, the primary issue that influenced and manifested such brutal actions resulted from my experience with sexual abuse as a young adolescent between the ages of 4-7. My older brothers were hanging out with the more 'popular' boys, the ones whose parents had double income and a solid home. They also appeared to be the ones who had a better situation. We were always the kids of a single mother and an absentee father (who lived in the same town), living in low-income housing on and off for several years. It gave other people the feeling of being better than us, a one-up on our own.
My mother's attempt at self-sufficiency following her divorce at 30 years old with three children, ages three and under, led her to hoard quite drastically the financial assistance and inheritance she was accumulating. This could very well have provided for us children a very different reality, set of beliefs, and a different family dynamic had she been able to see outside her cement box and get rid of inherited unhealthy family patterns. She did not even allow herself to enjoy or treat herself, and very little value was placed on her own growth and experiences. Upon reflection, she states that her mind, due to conditioning and her own upbringing, was unable to think big or beyond that of its very skewed and minimal state. Rather than trying to understand and make sense of her own ideas, feelings, thoughts, and actions, she was simply repeating her mother's patterns without recognizing or being willing to examine her own behaviour. Self-distorting and self-convincing behavior played a significant role in her attempt to suppress traumatic memories of her abusive childhood.
After so much suppression, Iona's true self rapidly disappeared like the wreck of Atlantis, and her "ice queen" persona took over to protect herself and those aspects of herself who had not yet been made aware of the truth. My mother severed and separated herself from the multiple traumas and events going on in her family, creating a fake idea and story of what her family and upbringing were as a young girl to deal with the intense sensitivities and large quantities of raw emotion that she carried. It became obvious that I had followed in her footsteps due to the fact that history or in this case her story repeated itself. Whenever my mind would travel through memories and unsettling experiences were returned, the action would be to shut it down, numb it out, make it go away. My memories of my molestations continued to be triggered as I transitioned from living on my own, working and having a relationship in Calgary back to living under my mother's and stepfather's roof, with my teenage stepbrother, starting a full time college program and obtaining a position part-time at a fashion boutique. Talk about the difference between night and day.
It wasn't something new to me for energy to shift quickly and for realities to change fast. After my mother got divorced from my father, she had more serious relationships in which we moved in with them to live under their roof in a house and behaved like a societal family. In addition, my mother would prepare meals and clean, raise the children, run errands, and they would work their 9-5 jobs or night shift trades. While my mother was in these relationships, she changed our lives overnight by packing all our furnishings and leaving while the men were away. We would wake up back in low-income, with a mother who would be heartbroken or running away from it, and usually beginning at a different elementary school. The way she was able to shift things quickly when she thought that they were needed was an excellent lesson for us, as energy can and will shift quickly when it is given the proper elements. As such, if she had acted honestly, in alignment with her higher self, I would be telling a different story. Her actions at this time were motivated by fear. The desire for love and the will to attain it persisted, but she sought it in the wrong places.