Spoonful Of Self Worth ( Part VIII )
As a result of massive traumas, both my parents were emotionally stuck in their adolescent years. Mother, the eighth child of a full-time teaching absentee widow, felt alone and disregarded and made it her mission as a mother to be there physically for things like cooking, cleaning, and studying. As a child, she stayed at home + cooked all our meals from scratch, planted gardens, made costumes, made fake fireplaces for Christmas, embraced the rain, + made walking a religion. Cleaning was her therapy, and she spent hours with me studying with flashcards. The smell of fresh air was her favourite. It doesn't matter if it's raining or if there's a gust of wind, she will stomp her feet with the biggest smile, flossing 6 times a day. The woman I've known for my entire life is eccentric, electric, OCD, hardheaded, and a true being of all trades when she is not in her own way. I have observed her my entire life and our similarities are undeniable. Because of her insecurity, her true nature was seldom revealed to many, including her family. For the sake of protecting her truth and those involved, she created veils and versions of the story to conceal her identity.
After 28 years of shared life, I have gotten to know my mother more in the last five years. Similarly, I tried to get to know my father. Their thick, layered shells had been handed down to them from their parents and masked decades of hoarding information. Their bright lights had taken many hits, topped by countless lies and suffered mentally throughout their upbringing. Thus, they created many personas to protect their inner tormented child who didn't feel safe coming out of their subconscious. As they dealt with the outside world, they wore the personas they believed they needed to "survive." What their little girls and boys numbed and suppressed affected me and my siblings, including self-worth, beliefs about life, our emotions, and physical health. The sensitivities they detached from and had stolen as children were delivered back to my elder siblings and me through their expansions.
It has been impossible to continue to have a relationship with my father because of his unwillingness to put himself in another's shoes or admit his lies and mistakes. Truth cannot be upheld by fear-based emotions. It is imperative that generational trauma be healed, and with my children directly affected, the drive is very real. When you give your life true purpose, you begin to emancipate yourself from the role of a child. My well of emotion began to run dry as I attempted to improve the relationship after years of abandonment, and I received nothing of truth or emotional substance back. Through my desire for everyone to heal and grow the F up, I was used for my information and ability to reconnect him to the family he neglected. For my mother, we are working on our relationship through the understanding of our ancestral history. It is an honour for me to be able to conduct such a thorough dive into my own ancestry to understand my own energy, creation, and self. Most people are not willing to dig up and investigate what is going on or what has already occurred.
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