Over the course of the last two years I've shared multiple posts and blogs speaking out about the depression, anxiety, illnesses and diagnoses I have endured throughout my journey. I was hesitant yesterday to post as I read several others share their stories. I don't want to step on any toes or offend anyone with my truth. I vowed to my higher-self and guides that I would come out of my closet and speak those truths and in hopes to relate, inspire, or bring light to a different perception. I heard their gentle calling all day and very loudly this morning. My purpose is to create an opportunity for others to explore a different perception of their own journey that may bring about a deeper level of understanding within their own suffering.
What I've learned from experiencing living from two very different perceptions allows me to very much understand how we suffer. Up until age 25 I lived a life filled with fear, judgement of self and others, a constant worry of what others think of me, and all around a relentless people pleaser. Living life from this perception brought on intense anxiety, constant worry, and a dark depression I masked from others.
We moved around a lot as young children experiencing being the new kid several times at schools. I can still remember the crippling fear that would consume me from joining a new bundle of kids, trying to fit in and make friends. I've always been the black-sheep or I'll refer to now the unicorn of the family never quite fitting in at home or relating to siblings and cousins. I felt like an outsider, had different interest, and spent a lot of time in my daydream land a place I felt safe and secure.
Even as a young child I wanted to fit in, I strived for acceptance I didn't feel I received at home so I sought to seek approval wherever I could. This trickled on into my teenage years starting high-school never stepping out from the status quo; dressing, talking, acting just as the "popular" girls did to try and again fit in. Here are a few memories I am being guided to share as they pop into my consciousness while I write; I remember so badly wanting to be car pooled as our Mom made us walk everywhere and we only lived 4-6 blocks from the school so why wouldn't we. But fear of being made fun of pushed me to do anything to find that acceptance. We didn't have money growing up and once settled into our more permanent home, low income rentals, I knew this too would contribute to my being the "butt" of many jokes.
So I worked two-three jobs to make money to dress in name brand clothes, pay for carpooling, and support my new found love for partying. Enter alcohol, when the party stage began I felt the liquid courage and how all my worries and fears were numbed. I could socialize without feeling so anxious and gave no fucks what I did or said, until the next morning. I would wake up heavy, sick, and crippled with anxiety... what did I say, what did I do, as the memories of the night flushed back into my awareness. This same cycle of partying and regret lasted for years.
As I approached my 19th birthday pissing away my year off inbetween high school and college completely depressed from a breakup and very harsh treatment from those whom I thought were my trusted friends(the people I tried so hard to fit in with). I figured it was time to prove my worth to everyone. My driving force, trying to impress my parents and peers fitting into society's definition of successful. The crippling anxiety, panic attacks, and depression I experienced prior to going to College affected me so deeply I couldn't get myself out of bed most days. I lied to everyone telling them I was going to school and seeking employment. But I wasn't, I would hide in my room and await the weekend where I could drink away all my anxieties and fears for the night only to experience the harshness of my own inner critic the very next day and that of others.
That's when I found my love for marijuana. I noticed how smoking the herb would bring about a "fuck it" attitude numbing these hangover blues and how it brought this sensation to other areas of my life as well. The end of my first college semester approached and with my absentees my grades were not high enough to continue on into the second semester. I lied to everyone and said I struggled with the material, a complete bold face lie as the me then would have preferred people to think I was challenged in school as opposed to trying to explain what I was feeling, but I didn't even know at the time what that was.
I suppressed my sadness and guilt with weed during the week and alcohol on the weekends. This type of behavior lasted into my early 20's. Attempting to work at jobs others would approve of, still trying to fit in amongst peers, and masking my pain with material possessions and partying. This is just a skim of the story with a few examples along the way to share my experience of perceiving life from a place of worry, judgement, and fear.
It was until I was 22-23ish living in Calgary experiencing another harsh break-up and dose of depression triggering my deep desire to truly love myself, step out my comfort zone, and become the greatest version of myself. This was the catalyst my higher-self needed permission and willingness to change. My body as some of you know began to reject everything, deteriorating from the inside out. Beginning the more severe stages of my failing health. As I set out to find the true me, I had to clear and cleanse all the lower vibrations I suppressed over the years that no longer resonated with my new intention. Completely unaware of our three part being mind, body, soul, the secret language of our body, our connection to higher-self, guides, Angels, and awareness of energy and my gifts this brought about a lot of confusion from myself and family as to what the hell was going on with me. My body trying to clean itself out by showing me what no longer serves me through aches and pains the language it knows but at that time I didn't have the understanding or knowledge of how this worked. I became the sick girl and was diagnosed with a plethora of illnesses; leaky gut syndrome, depression, anxiety, reactive arthritis, candida, fibromyalgia, calcification, and I accepted and took on the roll of each one allowing them to define me.
For this being a large reason why I was hesitant to write this post. Some, not all of us love our diagnosis, we become attached to our diseases. Claiming depression/anxiety makes a person feel comforted by a superficial answer (not the true root of their suffering) and/or the attention of a diagnosis. But from my own experiences with my diagnosis's this is how a person becomes trapped, victimizing them-self mentally.
An individual might not be aware of the power of their own words and how the negative connotation of their language ultimately feeds their problems. A person's attitude toward sickness either perpetuates its existence or diminishes its stronghold. Likewise it's easy to make excuses for staying ill by the way one craves sympathy. When it comes time to make the necessary changes to better personal health, one may mentally settle for what they've grown accustomed to. Just like I experienced when I took on the sick girl roll hard. Engaging in behavioral patterns of self loathing only allowing a condition to persist and/or truly not understanding the root of their illnesses existences manifesting in our mind-body due to lack of deeper understanding and emotional intelligence.
How I've learned and experienced starting the healing process is to declaim illness and disassociate with the attention it gives. As an individual I mentally trained myself to charter a new course utilizing a new set of sails that values inner strength. As I shifted into this perception I started rowing to new shorelines, this allowed me to strip myself of the victim mentality that had perpetuated my sickness and depression for so long gaining new information and awareness of how I unconsciously created it all. The root of our suffering stems from all three parts of us being imbalanced and not in harmony. Anxiety and depression we very much feel as a physical experience your body responds with increased adrenaline, rapid heart beat, gut twisting, shallow breathing and increased blood pressure. It’s getting ready to run or fight. Blood is pumped to your arms for fighting and legs for running. Just like the body can trigger those terrifying feelings, so can your soul. Maybe it’s a traumatic memory or a painful parental wound, the soul can initiate those experiences with fear. Understanding the spiritual side of illness/disease, studying energy, and exploring the suppressed traumas changed everything for me. I believe it’s what gave me the edge to find true, complete freedom. Sadly, I believe it’s where most people fall short. The more I began to understand the truth, a shift in my perception, the more freedom I began to experience.
My younger years of striving for acceptance and not being aware of my spiritual gifts led me to creating a mask I presented to the world, the ‘outside’ me that I showed people before they truly got to know me. In most social situations, especially when we are not a hundred percent comfortable, we are projecting our ‘masks’ for protection. Of course, this need for protection is usually subconscious and is there to make us feel comfortable about interacting with certain individuals and ultimately, being seen. This mask usually allows us to present the way we wish to be seen, either as funny, smart, dumb, successful etc. Everyone has a mask and if you find yourself constantly needing to wear it, it’s no surprise that you are going to start feeling anxious. No matter what level of social anxiety occurs for you, it usually stems from the same place- fear of seeing and honoring a part of yourself. For myself, and for many mediums, healers, oracles, this can also be spirit anxiety. All humans have access to this gifts some greater then others for this is their journey and whether you fear them, block them, or don't understand them they are apart of you. It can lead many who are actually suffering from this form of anxiety to see this as a psychological disorder, and not part of a greater gift.
I speak from both perceptions because I've lived them. I share my experiences because I healed and want so badly for others to experience this within their own lives. I hope this reaches you all well regardless where you are on your journey. Thank you to those who shared their stories, I know how frightening those first steps can be. I hope we can all see the beauty how others stories are so similar to our own, for we are a collective consciousness in which all gathered knowledge is available. I come from a place of love and acceptance and offer you a prayer/affirmation, for your suffering,
"Help me understand the importance of all three areas — body, mind and spirit. Teach me to put all my trust in my higher-self acting upon it's guidance, and help me to know the truth so that I can walk in freedom."
Namastacey xoxo