Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XXII
In the aftermath of my four-year relationship, I began reading outdoors daily, attending body flow and Tao chi classes, taking online yoga courses, and acquiring independence. During this time, I did not drink alcohol, and partying was not a priority for me. The only thing I missed was dancing, and I wondered why there wasn't a reality where I could have sober dance parties and share real feelings with people. Lol After feeling that I was worthless and replaced by my ex-partner, I discovered that he had posted photos of himself and his former girlfriend on his Facebook page. Although I was involved in this relationship years later, I had never desired to be a part of it in the first place. As a matter of fact, I moderately encouraged their relationship while making it clear to him that my feelings were those of friends and that I was not at all interested in him. Only after my health and life took a turn for the worse did I descend into a valueless realm, a place where I turned our friendship into a codependent insecure mess.
That relationship lasted four years on and off. His intent was clearly to create a world where he was accepted and celebrated, with the idea that multiple girls were interested in him. He then lied and manipulated everyone to create this virtual experience for his mentally disturbed self. That was the kick I needed to get back to reality. It was traumatizing, mainly because he had been a good friend of mine before we became romantically involved, and I had known the family and extended family quite well through growing up with them. As a result, I decided it was time to stop running from my own fears, my own limits, my own self-limiting beliefs. It was through this process that I began to better understand myself, and try to make sense of my thoughts and feelings which were very overwhelming all the time. I was vulnerable and wasn't offering much to anyone, so I took responsibility and set out to become someone I would enjoy and find interesting. In the midst of my recovery period, I attended our once-a-year father catch-up with my brothers while in Estevan. There was more voice in me and more of my own ideas about life that I expressed in a way that was not acceptable to the men.
As I stood up for my right to live a life beyond the limits of the small town and western civilizations, I became motivated by the energy that the little girl must be put into her place. Their perception was that I was always living beyond my means, which implied that Stacey you were totally worthless. It was not clear to me at the time how much their disconnected actions and societal beliefs regarding women in general and my personal identity throughout my life contributed to the manifestation of a crusty rusty helmet manifesting limiting experiences that resulted in heavy doubt. It was weeks after my visit home and the final end of the on/off four-year relationship that my eyes began to swell and rash. This is the first of many symptoms that contributed to my declining health in 2013. In the near future, I began experiencing severe bladder infections, dermatitis on my skin, reactive arthritis in my joints, allergies, and sensitivities to foods, cosmetics, detergents, beverages, and cleansers. At the time, my world seemed to be falling apart. As soon as I announced I desired change, I desired more, everything that needed my attention collapsed. When a person is disconnected from themselves or the greater picture at hand, the true handling of emotions and situations cannot occur.
In the absence of an idea/air/perspective, we are incapable of knowing what is going on and all of the contributing factors. As a left-brain dominant race, we ignore, neglect, or are not aware of our ( response ) ability to shift into the parasympathetic, subconscious mind at any moment and become aware of the subtler ideas ( air, intentions), feelings (water, relationships) that all played a part in creating a situation. Our consciousness is reduced to thought (fire) and action (earth), the reptilian mind, the left side of the brain devoid of emotions, feelings (water) and origin (air, spirit). The continuous stitching of our right and left sides of the brain, as well as the front and back, represents both past and future by beginning with
Taking a deep breath. Connecting to your senses by becoming aware of all the ideas, intentions ( in the air ).
Observe all the thoughts present (fire) in your stream of consciousness
The process of finding the root is to recognize the emotions triggered, surfaced, or rejected (water); then become conscious of the idea that triggered the thought, which then formed the feeling; this is the process of finding the cause.
At the end of it all, you become aware of the underlying definitions, belief systems, and as a result ideas, and what version, persona they belong to. This involves becoming self-aware and managing your various aspects of yourself. Hence, you will be able to respond with rational, healthy, and intelligent actions through words, thoughts, and deeds
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