This episode is a candid and vulnerable conversation recorded months ago where I share the struggles I've faced over the past 8 to 9 years, including the traumas and events that have arisen from my tendency to run away, severe avoidance, and narcissistic traits.
In this series I take a step back and acknowledge the narcissistic traits and tendencies that I have embodied, and the detrimental impact my actions (and lack thereof) have had on myself and my loved ones.
This episode was ORIGINALLY intended to be released back in 2017 when we began podcasting! I was meant to take a deep dive into my whole-hearted healing journey, but instead in my self CONvinced pride, I started to become a fake version of Stacey, as a result, I attracted others who echoed this disingenuous copycat persona. My underlying jealousy and competition with everyone made me reluctant to share the spotlight and was obsessed with any attention. These traits were disastrous, to the extent of discrediting and placing undeserving doubt on Stacey’s highly accurate and trained intuition, which ultimately led to the dreadful carbon monoxide poisoning of our family and the loss of one of our babies life.
The level at which I needed to be needed because of a subconscious sponsoring belief of worthlessness deep within my system, ultimately leading me to drain at her health, life, and wealth, is frightening. Even though I recognized the negative patterns I was repeating—patterns rooted in the survival mode I developed during childhood—I found it nearly impossible to break free from these cycles because of my lack of willingness to feel my truths. Why are we narcissists such a-holes? Because we never expand out of our own a-hole. Period. Cell-centred, all about us, duality MENtality.
Years passed as attempts were made to regain balance in Stacey's business, health, and personal growth. Eventually it got so bad that she even considered separating from me. Yet years went on, and with the neurological effects from carbon monoxide poisoning compounding my imbalance, I continued to self-sabotage. I took advantage of the energy of both my partner and her mother, manipulating the narrative to shield myself from deeper feelings and redirect trauma onto the two women who supported me the most. This perpetuated unhealthy cycles of giving their best to undeserving men in their lives.
With a spirit of resilience, Stacey maintained faith in our journey, our soul connection and my potential, occasionally seeing glimpses of my higher self before I slipped back into harmful mental patterns. Yes, this is a classic case of narcissistic tendencies.
It's been a long drawn-out road but I’m feeling confidently ready to address + heal the narcissist in me and help the rest of our very neglected, abandoned, traumatized, disabled, dysfunctional, entitled, competitive, and emotionally crippled culture. I realize it is part of my soul's calling to overcome this insidious cancer that lives off of gaslighting, disconnecting, distracting, and blaming everything/everyone except its own creator Cellves.
All hail the empath in us all! It is time to alchemize the narcissist. May we finally feel the weight of the actions and reactions that have traumatized our own cells and so many others often trying to get them to shut off + down just like we did to our pure sensitivities. Due to my own reactive and unhealed shadows, Stacey has once again taken it upon herself to rectify the backlash and hold space for me during my internal storms + battles.
I'm deeply grateful for Stacey's unwavering support and so proud of the incredible woman she's continued to become despite the challenges my unhealed shadows + life have thrown her way.
That said, I also owe an immense apology to my angel son Pax, my children, Iona, and the collective. I’ve been a key player in causing significant pain and hardship to this goddess who simply strives to help those suffering, struggling, and trying to make sense of life, energy, and their Cellves.
I chose to use this snippet as the intro to this series because it will also help show the transformation that has been taking place, from my vocabulary, tone, filler ticks like “you know” and the mannerisms that will make sense as the series continues.
Thanks for tuning in,
-J
