Spoonful of Stacey - Self Worth ( Part II )

The cage of reality is designed to keep everyone from seeing or realizing how sincere and real I actually am so that their less than loving selves can FEEL better about staying low in a small-minded, self-aware mindset. Whoever has gotten in, -all the way down-, they know the real me, and if you've wronged me then that's your own karma. In many of my relationships, I have attempted to find balance over the years. We take on the other's karma when we don't stand up for our cells! That's not our responsibility. In the end, what's best for everyone is usually the most challenging and for the right reasons (right brain, air (ideas), and water (feelings). There are signs from your cells saying you are healing a part of your ego that was imbalanced.

With all of that said, I had been en route to Estevan for the wedding of a close friend, which I wouldn't have attended if not for him. In my life, this was a weekend that changed everything. During the night before my wedding, my high school ex sexually assaulted me, but I never talked about it publicly. The year before, I offered to let him crash at my apartment with a few mutual friends, but he mistakenly thought I was inviting him. In his opinion, I was practically begging for it when I turned up at the club minutes from my apartment after work to simply catch up with old friends. When he attempted to come onto me in my room, I made it very clear that that was not my intention, and I am in a relationship. He then insulted me and my apartment as he always did to make me feel like a lesser being since all he had were his wits and his father's money to back him up. I was stunned to see how similar he was to his 17-year-old self 5+ years post-graduation. Upon returning to my small town, I felt proud of the girl I had become. It was a time when I was at my most vulnerable. Parties were few and far between during this period. He was very much a loner and devoted to himself, and I was taking a health kick and considering schooling + yoga teaching. In consideration of my early partying days and knowing the effects alcohol has on my mind and body, I can see that I was drugged based on the symptoms that were present.

As I arose, I was disoriented and disconnected in the room of my high-school exes sister. When I started to regain consciousness, I had a hard time figuring out where I was. In the bed, naked and upside down, he was attempting to force himself upon me while saying very demeaning things to me.

CONTINUED