As I started writing this I was contemplating keeping it light and fluffy, but that's not real and that's not my truth. I've expressed a lot to you all but as I child I was conditioned to keep my mouth shut, "Shhh, Stacey's making things up again" as I would share my true feelings regardless of what they were about constantly disregarded. As a child whether it be, "Mom, check out this rock I found" or "This chocolate milk tastes like the dentist" (it did I swear) that's what's important to you, and when you are silenced or accused of making things up you unconsciously begin to believe what you have to say isn't important. As you age, an unconscious holding pattern is created and my deepest, truest feelings are still hard to share as I compassionately heal the limiting idea that I am not good enough. I suffered from tonsillitis constantly through my younger years as my throat chakra became blocked over years of suppressed expression taking it's toll on my systems.
Truth. Last night I cried. As I meditated on the root of this reaction I heard a name and was annoyed, my reaction, "I thought I dealt with this, let this go, moved on" but my higher-self was telling me different. Prior to my awakening and a massive catalyst triggering my spiritual growth was an emotional, physical, and psychological abusive relationship. Aware the heightening sensitives of the Earth are surfacing my tired, stale, suppressed reactions to the trauma of what I experienced. I understand now that my prior attempt at letting them go was not properly executed. I had not yet uncovered the knowledge I have access to now. As I've learned emotions first need to be let in, felt, witnessed, noticed then we can make a conscious decision to let them go with forgiveness and acceptance. No, I don't condone any of the behavior his or mine this is not my version of acceptance. The acceptance I speak of requires trust, trust that I am creating my entire reality and through the universal laws I have attracted this karmic lesson into my life to essentially wake me the fuck up. This may seem harsh but my stubborn ego loved learning the hard way and she still does at times, it's all cause and effect. It couldn't be any other way. Yes it sucks, it hurts, it was painful coming in and it's going to be painful going out.
As humans this is how we develop, grow, and relate to one another we are emotional beings, emotions are meant to be felt. As one becomes conscious we can then respond to these emotions in a healthier way for our mind, body and soul. The "old" way of running, hiding, sucking it up, and lying to ourselves will no longer resonate with the divine feminine energy rising. It's forces draw the frequencies that will not resonate with her feminine power to the surface for examination. When I made the move away from the relationship and the life I had created back to my hometown to continue my search on why my health was failing I wrote this on my Notes App but never had the balls to post it. I've never shared it with anyone and as divinely guided I will share it with you now, big gulp.
“Written August, 2013
They say a picture speaks 1000 words but the story behind it is much longer. This may look to you like a luxuries afternoon enjoying getting a tan, reading by the pool, (the picture was me suntanning at my mother’s garden oasis overlooking the valley) but what you don’t see is me reading the ‘it’s called a breakup because it’s broken book’ the day after I arrived home from the life I left behind in Calgary. I’ve become a great suppresser. Something I’ve discovered about myself. While reading this book my mother abruptly walked out on the deck and scared the shit out of me I started crying uncontrollably, it was not until that moment did she and I fully understand how the loss of security severely affected me. Now if only I would have finished reading the book maybe I would have had the smarts to let go of the relationship that had already resulted in a lot of heartache and worsened my health.
I felt like I was leading a double life, yes I had moved away but I hid the fact we stayed in contact. I continued to let myself be controlled by his undeniable charm, I very vulnerable, lonely and in a declining state of health could not let go. He was a words man and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I was hopeless. Although I knew deep down it could never be and he would give up trying to right his wrongs eventually, I still held on. My self-esteem had been beaten so low. I felt as if who would want to be with my health issues and food restrictions and was convinced it added a lot of baggage. Adding to the emotional stress my mother’s second divorce was a very unhealthy environment for me to be living in while trying to figure out my health and gain a sense of normalcy. My mother who I already had a previous shaky relationship with became volatile. We loved each other unconditionally but living at home after nine years of independence isn’t suffice. Especially, because it was a week and a half after I was brought home from the physically and emotional abusive relationship that my step-dad dropped the bomb of wanting out of the family. My medical bills are costly and add that to the stress of the divorce it is understandable for my mother to be in such a state of disarray.
The harsh reality is I went from living in one state of insanity to the next. I fell extremely ill and it always seemed as if I was complaining because I really was sick. So to avoid wanting to sound like a constant pity party and trying so hard to do well with school and work my emotional/physical support towards him wasn’t there. He assured me constantly of his devotion and love so I continued to use that as a source of comfort. Then his attention on me quickly began to fall short. I didn’t think to much of it because I went back/forth in my head with “Knowing” no one could respect me if I ever went back but longing for love I had once thought was real. The inevitable happened he had finally decided he didn’t want me. Well you would think I would have clued into the million red flags during the relationship controlling behavior, breaking my belongings, punching holes in the walls of my apartment, dragging me home 8 blocks from a lounge, biting my chin, punching me in the face to name a few but it’s apparent my backbone and brain need a huge revamp. Finally, after months of shady behavior, dodging my phone calls and getting angry with me while I was physically deteriorating and hospitalized but not without one last blow of finding out he was already in another relationship, I had received quite intimate texts from him within a week of this isn’t that just how it goes, I was set free.
Now I take blame for everything as well, I enabled the relationship. You get what you put up with. I have been trying to downplay the effects of what I was put through. I unknowingly became a champ of suppressing extremely painful situations. The gross reality that had become my normalcy was scary. Needless to say, I had to let it all go. You can’t love with hate in your heart. I know now all the hurt and emotional, physical, and psychological abuse I had been harboring over the years was a massive contributor to my autoimmune condition. Who knew having a bonfire and burning all those possessions was so catharsis! I put all the negativity and guilt I held onto towards failed relationships, health issues,and just mistakes I have made in the outdoor fireplace. As I watched the items engulf in flames leaving nothing but ash I let the sentimental value go and leave nothing but dust.”
As I read this now I can pinpoint where the unconscious me failed to allow herself to feel the emotions, to sit with them, observe the root of their existence, to morn, to grieve. Which is why it is coming up now. I was shown a past life as I meditated on my mind's eye of a life in which I was taken away from my family, my best friend and married a very well off, handsome, high ranked, powerful, egotistically, abusive man. He brought women home to sleep with in our bed, used and abused me sexually, crippled my body from the hard manual labor as he never lifted a finger and physical assaults. As the circumstances of the vision continued I saw myself planning to kill him, poison him. I was very powerful in this life a closet herbalist, a medicine women. He was to arrive home from war in which I planned my attack but he never returned, died in battle. I played the role of the "widowed wife" and refused to ever remarry as this was to be arranged. I started my own women's shelter healing and hiding the hearts of whom suffered similarly to myself. I promised to never be with another man and as I aged I continued to heal the hearts of women and children suffering from abuse.
WHOA! The similarities from this past life to my present life couldn't even be questioned, or 'coincidenced' ( when the divine information is so clear but we silly humans shrug it of as, "Oh, that's just a coincidence) by my stubborn-egoic mind. What I'm given is the opportunity to respond different to the abusive relationship in this life then I had in the past. In this life it is safe for me to be powerful, in this life I do want true love which through my awakening process I can say with 100% honesty and certainty I have found. I am no fan of titles but they help the human mind comprehend which it struggles too as our emotional intelligence has been stunted. You could consider him a twin flame but he's more than that, our souls are tied in unity, they are simply allowing our human selves to become introduced, we co-created this life long before we entered this plane and divinely timed we have come into each other's lives to help one another grow and transition into who we designed ourselves to be. I was shown his role in this particular past life, he played a mild, meek, quiet man who longed for my love but never had the guts to go for it as I stood in my solitude and independence from men.
We currently live in different countries miles away from one another and it's been over three months since we've seen each other in the physical form. We are conscious of this being needed now for where we are both at on this designed path. Take into consideration we do have our free will, we could walk away from this at any point but we both feel lucky and blessed to have found each other. Our current status, and situation is serving it's purpose for now but that doesn't mean it's always easy.
We are both building our empires and clearing up what no longer serves us as individuals and I fully support him and know this is what I need as well. We are practicing interdependence, something new to both of us in relationships whether that be lover, friend, family. As a society we have been conditioned to believe "love" is making the person happy. This is attachment. True unconditional love is, "I love you soooo much I want you to be happy, whatever the circumstances and I trust that whatever happens the good, bad, and ugly is happening for the highest good of all involved". That said, people still need to be held accountable.
As I expressed to him recently how I was feeling slightly alone as I undergo massive transformation in all areas of my life he assured me he would make it more of a priority to call or text. I put a lot of my energy into helping others, guiding and assisting them on their awakened path. But I need this support too, I'm still evolving, going through challenges, a human being with feelings. I don't require much really as I'm full throttle into healing and inspiring our human race but even a, "Have a good day babe" makes a world of difference. We co-created him to be a very calming, cooling energy for my firey self. The yin to my yang and right now with my shit rising to the surface, the cosmic shifts, and massive personal/spiritual changes his energy, and our soul connection instantly centers me.
It's hard for me like I mentioned earlier to express my most vulnerable deepest feelings so at times I struggle going back and forth in my head, "Am I not trusting in the process, If I say something is that a lower vibration". I knew it had nothing to do with us, me, or our relationship but I wouldn't be honoring my voice, my truth if I didn't share how it was making me feel, just suffering in silence. This it what leads to blow ups holding it all in, sticking to your throat chakra, giving away your power(solar plexus) till one day you snap the fuck out, and usually over something small. He understood and expressed his feelings of where he is at. He wanted to make supporting me a priority and also felt disconnected from me. To say I'm farther along my awakened path or more enlightened would not be valid, necessary or fair, he's just working through shit that I started too a few years ago and we all ascend in our own time. It's a constant practice getting over my old fears of speaking my truth because there is so much fear triggered around doing so. The more traumatic event of essentially being abused for doing just that speaking up about my feelings.
Sometime has passed since I shared this information with him and I've noticed nothing's changed. So like I said people still need to be held accountable. Yes, I can see the bigger picture trusting the process aware it has nothing to do with me but my human feelings were hurt by him stating he would do something then not feeling as though he is following through. I questioned texting him fully conscious of the global and my own personal shift uprooting old, tired emotions. I was mindful in evaluating exactly how I was feeling taking into consideration my previous relationship boiling at the surface. After careful contemplation, I knew I would be falling into an old patterns of giving my power away, not speaking my most vulnerable truths, and suppressing how I really felt if I did not say something, so I did.
Instantly feeling 20 lbs lighten off my chest, I rolled over in bed, whipped my tears, laid some crystals on my body, and went to sleep. I woke up drenched in sweat, parched, and dissociated a clear sign my soul had been releasing shit overnight. Before checking my phone, email, schedule etc. for the day I decided to spend sometime in the Mother roll nurturing my systems, breathing into the space I created after the heavy healing session. I heard the higher-self prompt, "record this and write your blog for the day," thinking it would be just a Morning Ritual blog filled with face massages , pranayama, giggles, cries, yin yoga, sultry beats, and random expressions of sound but to my surprise divine inspiration guided me to share this story.
“Everything, including all people, exists only through relationships with other people or things.
Nothing exists in isolation or absolute independence. No person, or thing can arise of, for, or by its own accord. Everything is interdependent.
”
late summer, early fall, and everything in between.