Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XXII

In the aftermath of my four-year relationship, I began reading outdoors daily, attending body flow and Tao chi classes, taking online yoga courses, and acquiring independence. During this time, I did not drink alcohol, and partying was not a priority for me. The only thing I missed was dancing, and I wondered why there wasn't a reality where I could have sober dance parties and share real feelings with people. Lol After feeling that I was worthless and replaced by my ex-partner, I discovered that he had posted photos of himself and his former girlfriend on his Facebook page. Although I was involved in this relationship years later, I had never desired to be a part of it in the first place. As a matter of fact, I moderately encouraged their relationship while making it clear to him that my feelings were those of friends and that I was not at all interested in him. Only after my health and life took a turn for the worse did I descend into a valueless realm, a place where I turned our friendship into a codependent insecure mess.

That relationship lasted four years on and off. His intent was clearly to create a world where he was accepted and celebrated, with the idea that multiple girls were interested in him. He then lied and manipulated everyone to create this virtual experience for his mentally disturbed self. That was the kick I needed to get back to reality. It was traumatizing, mainly because he had been a good friend of mine before we became romantically involved, and I had known the family and extended family quite well through growing up with them. As a result, I decided it was time to stop running from my own fears, my own limits, my own self-limiting beliefs. It was through this process that I began to better understand myself, and try to make sense of my thoughts and feelings which were very overwhelming all the time. I was vulnerable and wasn't offering much to anyone, so I took responsibility and set out to become someone I would enjoy and find interesting. In the midst of my recovery period, I attended our once-a-year father catch-up with my brothers while in Estevan. There was more voice in me and more of my own ideas about life that I expressed in a way that was not acceptable to the men.

As I stood up for my right to live a life beyond the limits of the small town and western civilizations, I became motivated by the energy that the little girl must be put into her place. Their perception was that I was always living beyond my means, which implied that Stacey you were totally worthless. It was not clear to me at the time how much their disconnected actions and societal beliefs regarding women in general and my personal identity throughout my life contributed to the manifestation of a crusty rusty helmet manifesting limiting experiences that resulted in heavy doubt. It was weeks after my visit home and the final end of the on/off four-year relationship that my eyes began to swell and rash. This is the first of many symptoms that contributed to my declining health in 2013. In the near future, I began experiencing severe bladder infections, dermatitis on my skin, reactive arthritis in my joints, allergies, and sensitivities to foods, cosmetics, detergents, beverages, and cleansers. At the time, my world seemed to be falling apart. As soon as I announced I desired change, I desired more, everything that needed my attention collapsed. When a person is disconnected from themselves or the greater picture at hand, the true handling of emotions and situations cannot occur.

In the absence of an idea/air/perspective, we are incapable of knowing what is going on and all of the contributing factors. As a left-brain dominant race, we ignore, neglect, or are not aware of our ( response ) ability to shift into the parasympathetic, subconscious mind at any moment and become aware of the subtler ideas ( air, intentions), feelings (water, relationships) that all played a part in creating a situation. Our consciousness is reduced to thought (fire) and action (earth), the reptilian mind, the left side of the brain devoid of emotions, feelings (water) and origin (air, spirit). The continuous stitching of our right and left sides of the brain, as well as the front and back, represents both past and future by beginning with

Taking a deep breath. Connecting to your senses by becoming aware of all the ideas, intentions ( in the air ).
Observe all the thoughts present (fire) in your stream of consciousness
The process of finding the root is to recognize the emotions triggered, surfaced, or rejected (water); then become conscious of the idea that triggered the thought, which then formed the feeling; this is the process of finding the cause.
At the end of it all, you become aware of the underlying definitions, belief systems, and as a result ideas, and what version, persona they belong to. This involves becoming self-aware and managing your various aspects of yourself. Hence, you will be able to respond with rational, healthy, and intelligent actions through words, thoughts, and deeds

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Spoonful Of Self-Worth Part XXI

During these days of social change, societal ideas like "get a real job first, make some money" are heavily highlighted. My parents held strong to these ideas and my brothers adopted them as well. My ex-partners as well went into areas that were so far from who they were. They aimed to please their parents and push for economic gain. It was in this circumstance that I chose to enter the workforce, even though I was the apparent nobody, due to the perceived financial status of my family. Truly, I had no idea who I was or what was even possible for me. I had very little life experience and a country bumpkin mentality. Aside from my love of hairstyling, I also loved dancing, cheerleading, and gymnastics, and I was quite competent in these activities. It was my pleasure to teach and perform, and I was decent at whatever I attempted.

As a child, I was influenced significantly by my mother, who was also my father figure, taking on both feminine and masculine traits and characteristics, as well as mothering and fathering roles. Therefore, such a state of energetic balance is clearly necessary for each individual to achieve their own balance in these electrical and magnetic principles. Computers, office work and secretary duties were also enjoyable, as were managing, organizing, and delegating. Fashion marketing, styling, and blogging are things I also enjoyed and pursued. I was unable to locate a category or box where my interests could be categorized. As a result, I continued to test the waters, which seemed to be frowned upon. I was taught by my mother through her more balanced role modelling that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to, irrespective of my gender. However, she failed to give me a sense of worth and value and beliefs that would allow me to achieve my goals.

There is nothing you cannot do, but you will never be good enough, too." This was the belief resulting from this behaviour. This was confusing, to put it mildly. In my most innocent years, I was a bullied 12-13-year-old teenie bopper and a very vulnerable and traumatized 17-year-old. She was crushed when I realized my trampoline, which was my best friend for years, was gone and that the bed I laid on was empty, and that the door I never locked, had been locked. Even the low-income duplex I had called home for years felt better than the creepy basement of my even shadier women-hating father. Whose sole intention was to demean and diminish my mother's worth to anyone willing to listen including us. In addition to never getting over her, he has never admitted all of the lies and controlling relationships he was using and abusing her and now her children. His evident arrogance and possessiveness have continued to drive a wedge between our core family values.

Having said that, all of these experiences accumulated a lot of layers that led to the false idea that I was worthless. The last year of high school was quite literally hell. With the death of very close individuals and many others before and following. Estevan was as if there were a black hole within, draining and sucking the essence from the sensitive and vibrant souls. It was referred to as Incestevan for a reason as morals and consciousness were not emphasized over financial gain, hearsay gossip, hockey and drunken parties. As a young girl losing children and teenagers of the same age as myself without understanding the real cause of their deaths left mass confusion and trauma in everyone involved. However, not only in this region or part of the world, but also in many other places around the world, hidden nature, the shadow side, the thoughts, feelings, and actions we reject all collect in the void, pulling our light and dark parts into their false fears and illusions.

Who knows which parent is whose? Spoiler alert! There are skeletons in many closets that affect their children's mental, emotional, and even physical health to the point of death when the truth is not disclosed. Your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health will be imbalanced if you don't have the truth of your story and know your history well, have a cosmic connection, and know your ancestry and lineage. All of these imbalances can manifest into various situations, illnesses, and feelings that are an attempt to bring you into awareness.

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